Connected to the Mothership

Just some of the 5,000,000 steps down to Positano

Moments before my parachute jump . . .

Positano - a very vertical place

The Amalfi Drive (look very hard)

The Amalfi Drive

If you like Alton Towers and Thorpe Park, if you think you can withstand any roller coaster, vomit educing fairground ride then take a trip on the Amalfi Drive.

To really appreciate this you need to catch a SITA bus from Sorrento. they claim to be air conditioned, which as far as I can tell means they have windows that open.

Perhaps I should digress for a while into a careers advice section; for those of you thinking of moving to Italy and wondering what job you could do why not be a bus driver? Can you drive a car full speed, without breaking on any of the driving computer games available? If the answer is yes then this might be the job for you!

First, you will need to read and digest the Italian highway code. This is essential because you must disregard it at every turn (and boy are there loads of turns). Second, you must never be caught doing what you are supposed to be doing, rather you need to know what to do so you can do the opposite.

Once you have your bus drivers licence then you just need to drive a bus full of tourists from Sorrento to Amalfi via Positano. To do this imagine you are Sandra Bullock in the film speed (for the men amongst you concentrate), you must never go below 3 miles an hour but bear in mind you only score Italian Driver Kudos Points (IDKP) for travelling over 50 miles an hour.

Now ignore all traffic signals, infact you should speed up when approaching pedestrian crossings (there is actually no such thing in Italy, they just paint strips on the road because it is easier for the ambulances to pick up the injured from one spot rather than have to drive around town in all that lunatic traffic).

All corners on the Amalfi Drive and by the way where were the Romans when you wanted them, long straight roads nevermind hills, cliffs or other obstacles. Well clearly they never made it to the Amalfi Drive, this looks like my three year old nephew writing his name, his full name mind you and that of his brother and the rest of his family. Anyway, all corners must be taken on the wrong side of the road (there is a right side? Not in Italy!). To really score high IDKP you need to be playing La cu carracha on your horn whilst waving at the pretty girls too.

One note of comfort, the cliff edges are protected by walls almost six inches high so you do not need to worry about them damaging your bus. Essentially if you keep three wheels on the road you are fine, two at a pinch. It might help if you get the Americans to move to the other side of the bus by yelling "Oh look, a McDonalds!" at the appropriate time.

I must come clean now and state that I have never managed to get all the way to Amalfi on the Amalfi Drive. I have only ever made it Positano. Apparently it goes all the way to Amalfi but my stomach has never made it that far. the benefit is that you get to spend a day in Positano (see pictures above).

Oh and I always take the boat back to Sorrento!

Capri Coast

Capri - A Few Rules

Rule 1 - Never leave a travel book behind on the basis that "you are not going there today", a la I am off to Amalfi by boat so I do not need my Capri guide book and maps. It was a two hour wait for Amalfi so I caught the Capri boat, which left in five minutes, instead.

Rule 2 - Take the funicolare from Capri harbour to Capri town. Despite me being here to do a great deal of walking always remember that the walk from the harbour to the town centre is only slightly easier than tackling the north face of the Eiger without any climbing gear. What is really breath taking is that the Italians do this with a cigarette in their mouth the whole way up.

Rule 3 - Never leave behind your GPS device on the basis you are going to be sitting in Amalfi town all day (see Rule 1).

Rule 4 - Try not to eat or drink in/on Capri unless it is from the free water taps that are positioned on the climb up into town for those Europeans daft enough to try the climb unaided. I have just got a bottle of sparkling water and an espresso for €8-, which was the cost of my main course last night in Sorrento (although that was cheap to be fair). The one consolation is that the coffee was wonderful.

Rule 5 - Well, not a rule as such more an observation. Capri town is like Piccadilly Circus on a sunny Saturday in summer. The noise of humanity is constant and sometimes quite deafening. I remember walking to Tiberius' Villa the last time I was here and the peace and quiet was sublime. I am playing "Alles mitt Gott", which helps a bit but does not completely blot it all out. Although the guy dying of consumption next to me may just find himself taking the quick route to the harbour if he does not can it.

Rule 6 - Pay attention to Rule 4! I have just had a couple of courses, glass of wine, bottle of water and a double of espresso for €54-, not bad but the food was only €26-.

Rule 7 - See Rule 1 and Rule 3. Having nearly died getting up to Capri town I nearly did not make it down to the harbour. Like some bizarre computer game every exit from the piazza I entered on my knees just a few hours earlier took me up not down. After 45 minutes of leaving by every exit and ending up back in the piazza again I admitted defeat and took the funicolare. I am going to have to face up to the fact that I am now embarrassing enough to be a dad. Opened toed sandals and socks are next i fear.